Broken Heart Pieces Swimming in my Bed
by TrashShippingLord
Summary: An angsty RenRin fic where Shima lets his guilt overwhelm him. I'm not sure what else to put here.
Somewhere in the dimly lit room, the glow of a clock read 11:17 pm. A movie played on the tv in the corner, the volume down to a low buzz. Two teenage boys laid on a bed, paying mild attention to the film. The boy with pink-orange hair lay curled up against the dark-haired boy beside him. The blue-eyed teen rested one hand on the other's waist, the other hand played mindlessly with the pale strands of the older boy's hair.
Shima stared at the television screen. He was highly aware of Rin's thoughtless touches. Every one of them burned. He wasn't sure if it was a good kind of burn.  
Shima loved Rin. More than either would ever know or understand. They weren't dating, far from doing so it felt. You could say they were friends with benefits. Rin didn't think much of it. They did things privately and any other time everything was perfectly normal.  
Shima knew Rin couldn't love him. There was surely other guys he had his eyes on. Shima could never be the only one. One day Rin would find someone better, someone who wanted to be with him in all senses of the saying. Then Rin would leave Shima. They'd go back to being just friends. The thought of that hurt Shima so severely he couldn't stand it.  
Rin's hand on Shima's waist slid forward a bit. He pulled the other teen closer to him. Shima pressed his back against Rin's chest, closing his eyes and enjoying the close proximities and Rin's fingers in his hair.  
'Hypocrite.' Shima thought hatefully to himself.  
How could he be so frightful of Rin ending this, when he did so much worse. The constant flirting and hinting at various girls at school. The one-night stands and dates that always ended in a stranger's bed. Shima shouldn't be afraid of losing Rin when he acted as if he didn't care.  
Shima felt disgusted with himself. Rin laid beside him, showing him so much affection. Affection he didn't deserve. He enjoyed the feeling of Rin's hands on him with a pang of guilt that shot straight through him. He shouldn't play with Rin like this.  
Rin placed a light kiss to the back of Shima's neck. Shima smiled slightly. He grabbed the hand lying on his waist. Rin entertained his fingers with Shima's and moved their hands to make it more comfortable for Shima.  
Here they lay, spooning and holding hands on Rin's bed, neither paying much attention to the movie that was on. It was all so sickeningly sweet that Shima felt like crying. He wanted so badly to just be with Rin. He wished they could be more than just night time lovers.  
Why did he have to keep sleeping around and pushing Rin away? Why couldn't he just own up to his emotions and confess about how he felt? Why couldn't he make them official?  
Shima hated himself for the way he was. He was a slut, a dirty whore. He was good for nothing but screwing things up and screwing around. No wonder Rin didn't want to be with him. Why would anyone with sense want to be with someone like him?  
Shima clenched his teeth and tightened his grip on Rin's hand. He felt the tears start to build up behind his eyes. 'No, no, no. Not now, not in his bed, not like this.'  
Shima wiped at his face with his free hand, hoping against hope the half-demon of his thoughts wouldn't notice.  
But Rin wasn't oblivious.  
Rin propped himself up and looked at Shima's wet face with a concerned frown.  
"Hey, look at me." He said gently.  
Shima rolled onto his back and looked up at Rin. The drops were smeared away from Shima's face with Rin's thumb. Shima's heart felt like a 50 pound weight in his chest as he looked into those caring eyes. How would he ever explain himself? This boy was ruining him without even knowing it. And Shima was making it all worse by hiding it and using countless females to cover up his true feelings.  
"What's wrong Renzo?" The younger boy asked.  
Shima sighed and placed a hand on the back of Rin's head. He smiled a little and pulled him down for a kiss.  
It was quick and chaste but so lovely. Shima felt like crying again. He wanted more but knew he wouldn't have it, simply because he didn't deserve Rin. But now, in this moment, with Rin looking down on him with so much care. Shima couldn't keep it in.  
"Will we ever be able to be something more..more than just this?" Shima said.  
Slight confusion came over Rin's face. "I'm...I'm not quite sure I understand..

"I don't just want to be your fuckbuddy, Rin. Not anymore. I don't think I can handle it." Shima said in a rush. He paused and watched multiple emotions cross the other's face.  
"I want to be something more. I want to have something with you. God I should just say it..." He took a deep breath before deciding to do it. "Rin, will you be my boyfriend?"  
Shima had said so much so quickly, it was obvious that it was difficult for Rin to take in. Tears were now coating the pinkette's cheeks as he stared at Rin with glossy brown eyes. He awaited his rejection impatiently.  
Shima expected Rin to tell him no, gently deny him and then ask him to leave. This would end their friendship and would definitely put a stop to their fooling around. Shima regretted saying anything. A lump had formed in his throat making it hard to breathe.  
Rin let out a shaky breath. He finally opened his mouth to respond. Shima prepared for the worst.  
"I've waited to hear those words for so long, I'd almost convinced myself you didn't really want me." Rin grinned. "I love you Renzo, of course I'll be your boyfriend."  
Shima felt his whole body go weak. This wasn't real. It wasn't happening. He was lying, he had to be. There's no way someone so perfect and amazing could want someone as horrid as him. Shima didn't deserve Rin's love.  
But then he realized. Even if he did not deserve it, he still had it. Rin would never lie about something this serious. Shima may feel the most terrible person on the planet, but Rin still looked at him with true fondness.  
Shima kissed Rin again. It was intense and full of emotion. It didn't feel like reality. But it was.  
The guilt set deep in Shima's stomach would never go away, but it'd hopefully subside a bit now. Rin was his boyfriend now, he couldn't fuck around anymore. Shima would never forgive himself for betraying his feelings for Rin for so long, even though the other boy could care less about his affairs before they became official. Shima still knew this horrendous feeling inside him wouldn't go away. But hopefully it'd become bearable.  
Shima promised himself he'd never hurt Rin again. He had the boy of his dreams, and he didn't want to mess that up.  
Rin put his hands beside Shima's head and hovered above him. Shima let his thoughts fade away and lost himself in the moment.  
The two boys kissed and cuddled and enjoyed each other's company. The quiet television long forgotten and the clock ticking past each hour without either teen noticing.


End file.
